So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
