how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
