My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
