Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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