I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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