The maid of honor just puked.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
