see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
