tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
