im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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