i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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