As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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