one word: firstdatebathroomanal
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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