I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
