he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
