why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
