i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
