you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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