i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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