Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
