can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
