No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
