maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
