Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
