Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
