foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
