dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
