just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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