Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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