Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
