Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
