Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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