Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
