white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
