nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
