I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
