watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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