you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
