I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
