honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
