He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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