i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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