Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
