Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
