you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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