I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
