I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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