We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
