sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
When are your genitals available?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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