Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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