I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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