I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
