I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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