I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
me + whiskey = a bad person
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
