He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
